Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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