You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
