I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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