i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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