I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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