I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
