I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
