put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
