I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just want nice things and good sex
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
