I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
