Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
