The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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