Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
