Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
