so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
