My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Text me some of your sweat
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
