Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
