hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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