I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
