I'm so fucking centered right now
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
That's how pantless uber rides happen
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
