I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
