I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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