1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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