dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
