Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
This is the prime rib incident all over again
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
