i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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