Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
