he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
