Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
