one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
