Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
