so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
