I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
