Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
