I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
