my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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