WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
