walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
