Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Come back. Shots need mouths.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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