i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
