No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
