threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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