Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
