You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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