I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
