My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
