I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Never let your siblings swipe right.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
