I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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