The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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