never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
