Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
